Red Light on a Wedding Night
by raisintorte
Summary: He never really expected to spend his wedding night in a brothel on an alien planet having simulated sex with two astrophysicists and an archeologist. [Crossover with SG1, Gen, No Spoilers, please see other warnings at the top of the fic]


**Pairing/Genre:** SGA/SG1 Crossover. This is a Gen story, however, in the interest of full disclosure, there are references to every member of SG1 having sex with every other member of SG1 at some point during the last 9 years.  
**Spoilers:** None.  
**A/N:** This is for the Gilmore Girls Episode Title Challenge. Thanks to **daisycm83** and **smittywing** for their very helpful betas.

* * *

"This is great. Just fantastic, actually. I've waited my entire life for the day where I would end up in a polygamous marriage with two air force colonels and an archeologist."

John walked over to Rodney and patted his shoulder. "Calm down, Rodney. It's not that big of a deal."

"Not that big of a deal! WE'RE MARRIED!"

Sam rolled her eyes at Rodney's dramatics. "Yes, according to the people of M6R-232, we are all technically married to each other, but it's not a big deal. Daniel, how many times have we been married?"

Daniel bit his lip thoughtfully. "Hold on, I have to think about it."

"It's been so many times you have to THINK about it?" Rodney did not look happy about this situation.

"We've been doing this nine years, McKay, I have to think back. Let's see – I think Sam and I are up to seven, it's been Jack and me at least four times, Teal'c three more, and I think four or five group weddings. So really we've been married about 19 times over the last nine years. That's not bad. Only two to three times a year." Daniel looked to Sam, as if for confirmation.

"Yeah, that sounds about right. I've been married to Jack, Teal'c, and Jonas a few more times, but really all of the ceremonies tend to blend into one another." Sam smiled, as if recalling fond memories.

Rodney threw his hands in the air. "Right, so now we've become SG-1. Which I have to say is something I have personally tried VERY hard to avoid."

John started pacing around the room. "McKay! Calm down. Sam and Daniel are right. It's not a big deal. So we're married according to the people of M6R-232. No one is going to care."

"I can't believe you all are acting so cavalier about this! Need I remind you that we are stuck in this room until we 'consummate' the marriage?" Rodney looked so flustered that John took pity on him.

"Rodney, we don't actually have to have sex." John looked at Sam and Daniel, hoping for some form of confirmation from them.

"How do you know that? Did they pass you some secret message when they shoved us in here screaming what I think was the local equivalent of 'fuck or die?'" Rodney's face was turning red and his arms were moving faster than normal.

"We don't know for sure, but we also don't know how they're going to test that we've done it." John tried not to roll his eyes at Rodney's freak-out.

"Well, shouldn't we be doing something to try and figure out what the test is?"

John gave Sam his best 'it's your turn now' look. She took the hint. "Let's back up for a second Rodney. We don't even know that consummate means sex. In our experience it has meant lots of different things. On P3S-252 consummate to them was sit in a room and eat cheese, on P9X-239 we had to dance naked around a fire circle, on P3X-233 we had to ride goats around in a circle for five hours. We really shouldn't jump to any conclusions that consummate equals sex."

"Yes, fine! Now, how many times have you been locked in a room that hasn't involved you being forced to engage in some form of sex?" Rodney looked hopeful for the first time since the door had been closed behind them.

"Once or twice, but in those cases they usually gave us something else to do in the room." Sam looked at Daniel for confirmation and he nodded.

John stopped pacing around the room long enough to pick up one of the gaudy pink pillows. "Okay, so I think we've established that we have to have sex, or at least pretend to have sex. Let's try and figure out how they're going to tell. Sam, Daniel, search the room. Rodney and I are going go into the hall and see what we can find out." John tossed the pillow back on the bed and walked to the door.

John opened the door and started to step outside when he was stopped by three burly guards.

John backed into the room and the guards closed the door. "Okay, can't leave the room. Maybe it's the guards' job to listen at the door."

Sam leaned against the tackiest mirror John had ever seen and smirked. "I'm going to look around the room a bit more, but if we actually end up having to have sex, dibbs on Sheppard."

"What?" Rodney was so stunned he almost couldn't get the words out.

"Oh, come on Rodney, I could have you anytime I want --" Rodney sputtered at Sam and opened his mouth. "—don't interrupt, you know it's true, and I've had Daniel."

Both John and Rodney did slight double-takes while they digested that last bit of information.

Rodney looked like his head was about to explode so John figured it was his turn to placate Rodney. "Okay, before we go jumping right in and calling dibbs on people, let's make sure we actually have to have sex."

"Well try and open the door again"

John walked over to the door and as soon as he had turned the knob and pushed a bit he was stopped by the guards outside the door.

Burly Guard One pushed John back into the room and glared at them. "You must consummate. We have not heard consummation. You will stay in the room until consummation occurs." The guard pulled the door shut.

John walked over to what he suspected was the world's largest pink taffeta-covered bed and sat down. "Well, I think that explains it. They are listening at the door. So let's give them something to listen to." John leaned back and rested his head on the fluffy pillows.

"Wait! What? No! I am **NOT** having sex with Daniel!" Rodney threw a pink heart shaped pillow at the wall as he screamed. John thought if someone's head could spin around, Rodney's would be at this point.

Daniel looked like he was trying very hard not to laugh. "Thank you so much, Rodney. It's nice to know what you think of me."

Rodney responded to that by giving Daniel his best death glare. Sam walked over and sat down next to John.

"Okay, let's get this show on the road. Daniel – you want to start?"

"Sure." Daniel sat down on one of the chairs and looked right at the door. "Oh, baby. Come here and sit on it. Yes, just like that!"

Sam, who had laid back on the bed next to John, responded to Daniel. "Oh, that feels good. Do you want to touch me? Yes! Oh, yes! More, please."

Rodney looked like he was going to have a heart attack. "Okay, when did I end up on the set of a bad porn movie?"

Sam glared at Rodney. "You're being dense for someone who claims to be a genius. Play along. They're just listening, not watching, which means we don't actually _have_ to have sex. We can fake it."

"Seriously? You _seriously_ expect me to sit in here and act like a bad phone sex operator and have simulated sex with THREE people?" Rodney crossed his arms and paced in the limited amount of space between the phallic-shaped chaise lounge and the chair Daniel was sitting in.

Sam gave Rodney a very pointed look. "Yes!" Sam turned so she was facing John on the bed. "Oh, Colonel! You are so sexy. Just looking at your hair and those stunning eyes makes me go weak in the knees. Take off your shirt, oh yes! Slow, just like that. Oh!"

John was feeling surprisingly uncomfortable with this situation. He stood up and backed away from Sam. He didn't know how he got into these situations; he really never did see it coming. He had the strongest urge to look at Sam and scream 'Red Light!' but he didn't think that really applied in situations where you had to harass and be harassed or die.

Sam glared at him. He was obviously taking too long to respond. "Come on, Sheppard, I know you're nervous, and this is your first time and all, but I promise, I'll be gentle." She smirked at him as she said the last part.

Obviously, Carter knew how to push his buttons because he had the sudden urge to make this the best worst porno ever. "Oh yes, Carter! Please, touch it! Rub it harder, oh yes, you are so hot!"

Carter rolled her eyes at him. She probably thought someone with his reputation would be more creative than that. "Oh, John! I had no idea you liked it so rough! Grrrrrrrr!"

John looked over at Rodney and Daniel. Daniel was sitting in the chair with his hand over his mouth to suppress the giggles. Rodney was standing by the door looking kinda green. John felt so dirty and the urge to scream 'Red Light!' was growing stronger. He never really expected to spend his wedding night in a brothel on an alien planet having simulated sex with two astrophysicists and an archeologist.

Sam was staring at John at again, so he figured he might as well join in the fun. After all, In for a penny, in for a pound.

"Oh, yes, Carter! Yes! Get down on your knees. Yes baby, just like that. Suck it!"

Sam had glared at John when he suggested she get down on her knees. She stood up from the bed sauntered over to Rodney.

"Oh, Dr. McKay, you dirty, dirty man! Pull down Sheppard's pants, yes, yes! Help him bend over the bed, Oh My God. That is just sooooo sexy!" Sam practically purred that last line.

Daniel, obviously unable to keep his laughter contained anymore, shoved his face into the chair cushion.

Rodney looked like he was about to keel over. John, not be outdone by Sam, swaggered over to Daniel.

"Oh, Carter! I had no idea you were that flexible! That's an interesting position. I think I'll name it the Sam Sandwich."

"Sheppard! I can't believe your body can bend that way. Most men can't get their ankles to lock behind their head like that! Wow!"

Rodney, obviously no longer freaked out about the situation, glared at Sam and John and rolled his eyes. He looked at the door and started speaking loudly. "Oh, baby. Oh, baby. I'm coming. Wow. That was good." Leave it to Rodney to have the most sarcastic fake orgasm ever.

Daniel, whose face was so red from trying to withhold the laughing, stopped long enough to 'finish himself off.' "Yes, oh, yes. Like that!" Daniel made a few more moaning noises and then stopped.

John glanced at Sam. That left the two of them. John started making moaning noises and Sam joined in by making a loud squealing noise. Strangely, John wasn't surprised she was a squealer. Still, it was more than he ever wanted to know about Colonel Carter.

When they were both "done," Rodney walked over to the door and opened it. They were expecting to see the three guards but instead standing in the hallway were Cadman, Lorne, and Ronon laughing hysterically in the hallway. Even Teyla couldn't contain her mirth.

John fixed a hard glare at Lorne. "Major! How long have you been out here?"

Lorne valiantly attempted to keep a straight face. "Only a few minutes, sir. We didn't want to interrupt the 'consummation.'"

Cadman, who had tears of laughter streaming down her face, spoke up. "When you didn't call in on time, Dr. Weir sent us to find out what happened. The elders said you had to get married and they locked you in this room for consummation. We figured we would come by and spring you, but we heard you having such a good time we didn't want to interrupt."

John gave them all one last glare. "Okay, well now that's over and we've 'consummated' lets get out of here. And Major? Lieutenant.? One word about this to _anyone_ and you will both be heading up the farming operation on the stinky bug planet."

Lorne and Cadman were still fighting to keep straight faces but they stood up straight and tried to look professional. "Yes, sir!"

Carter grabbed John's arm and led him down the hall. "See, Colonel, you've survived your first alien wedding and consummation ceremony. Now that wasn't so bad, was it?"

John tried to glare at her and failed. It really was a silly situation once he thought about it.

"No, not so bad. You know, I never expected you to live up to McKay's stories. I always thought he was exaggerating about your sexual . . . appetite." John had to hold back his laughter as Sam marched off and grabbed McKay by his collar.

After everything that had happened, it was nice to get in the last word.


End file.
